It's been a long time since then, but when I look back at it, it seems like it was just yesterday. I remember times that we fed the pigeons popcorn in front of the hospital. He held the back and tossed the kernels towards the greedy birds. His little fingers grabbed fists of white fluff to be given to the birds. A smile rested on his bony face...he was happy. Smoggy air surrounded us, but it was so much fresher than the sanitized hospital room air. I stood a little ways off...watching the beautiful scene take place. I wish I could return to that day and also grab fists of popcorn to be tossed. I wish I could have sat down with him and laughed at the birds fighting over the small portions of food. I wish we had smiled together. But that didn't happen. Instead I stood as a lonely by standard and watched from a distance.
I remember the times camping, when he wanted someone to go 'bottle cap hunting'. Each day, he came back with a freezer bag full of Ol' Milwaukee, Coors Light, and some Labatt Blue. He carried those bottle caps like they were the only thing that was important to him. They were the conversation spark between relatives and complete strangers. They were the project of the week. They were special. He would admire each and every one. He would sprawl them out on the picnic table and choose his favorite one. I wish I could have had my own bottle caps. I wish I could have sat down with him and admired each unique cap. I wish I could have searched high and low through the campground finding these prized possessions of his. But it wasn't like that. I would be out at the beach, or riding my bike, or making a craft. I was too busy having 'fun'.
I remember the times you sat with people. You cuddled up on their laps. You snuggled against their warm body's heat. You fell asleep in their arms. You desired to be with them. You would always look so peaceful despite you throbbing pain. You would be happy to be in their presence. I wish I could have been that person, holding you in my arms and talking to you like best friends.Rather, I was sitting across the room admiring the love being shared. I was waiting my turn, but my turn didn't come.
I remember the time we ran through the hospital halls after taking the secret elevator. We ran as fast as we could to get back to the ward before our moms got there first. I remember your little legs moving a few yards in front of me. You would turn a corner and I would race up to see where you were next off to. I wish I had run a little bit faster so I was right beside you. I wish I had held your hand as we ran through those halls. But, I was behind you.
I wish I had read you one more story. I wish I had told you I loved you one more time. I wish that I could have given you one more embrace. I wish I could have more time. I wish I had one more chance... But God called you home. He took you before I wished I had that chance. Before I realized the outcome of my life as it is now, you were taken to Heaven's Gate. I look back on these things, and wish I had more time with you. I look back and wish...but I somehow do not regret.
I do not regret because our relationship, as faint as it may seem, shaped me. Our relationship has given me the desire to dig deeper, to find what shapes each soul. I do not want a 'surface' relationship with anyone. Instead I desire to see the architecture of each person. I want to attach myself to the soul of each individual. I search for a way to be rooted in their soul. I desire to search for their purpose, for what they truly desire. I desire to find each soul that may be lost or is still searching for a home. And I owe it to you.
Although our relationship may not have been the perfect relationship I wish we could go back and have, it is the relationship that has shaped me to be who I am.
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